Now I live in Japan, Days 161-178

In which everything really, truly, starts to end

These entries were originally written in a private journal, and were edited and published online in autumn 2024. The whole series can be read here: Now I live in Japan

Day 161, 03/26, A Friday

Today began at 8:50, the phone ringing and Verme Sensei asking me what we needed for our outreach BBQ party because he was dropping some stuff off at the church. I tried to remember everything, but forgot much of it. I was tired. Confused. I asked when our staff meeting was. I tried to get back into bed for about 15 minutes of sleep but that didn’t really work out at all. So I took a shower and the Gilberts picked us up at 9:50. The meeting wasn’t that bad. We had a good talk and stuff. Then we headed out to an all-you-can-eat Yaki-niku place and it was incredible. Sensei paid for us too. Dan totally threw me under the bus during the conversation about politics with, “Stephen would have voted for Dean, right?” knowing none of them would think that was a good thing. I was pissed, real pissed.

After that, we went to the Recycle Shop, Hard-Off but for house stuff, and we (DK and I) almost bought an N64. We didn’t though. I looked at the prices of things for my apartment. It’ll be about 60,000 yen to get everything I need, I think. Anyway, that’s okay. Then we helped the Gilberts buy some stuff at the Nafco and finally headed towards CostCo. Of course, we then spent three hours at CostCo with Verme Sensei on the phone with his wife the whole time, trying to figure out what it was that they needed. I ate more there, pizza and the hot dogs, just like the States. I only bought some seasoning and some chips.

On the way back, Joan san called and had like a bunch of things to tell Mr. Verme and ask us. Dumb stuff about our party. It was like, We’re not idiots, we know what we need to get. I guess Hagino san had called her, all of them concerned that all these men would not be able to manage to get what we needed. Anyway, I called Hagino san later and I was a little pissed that I had to explain that, yes, of course, we remembered to get the ketchup. It’s like, Give us a break. The rest of the night included trying to find some hamburger buns at various supermarkets, as we couldn’t get them at CostCo for whatever reason. It took for ever, but I think we got something that will work.

Anyway, we got back and Lorna asked me about going to work with JET. Everyone seems to be interested in what our plan is, who’s staying, who’s not, and I didn’t answer really well because I’ve not had a chance to really make a decision. We started like six months ago, so I don’t really know anything for sure at this point, and I don’t want to tell everyone I’m going to do something that I don’t end up doing, whether it’s applying for JET and going home for a while, or trying to get a job at an Eikaiwa conversation school like AEON and stay in Fukuoka and work with the church still, or leave for somewhere else in Japan. There are so many options, except both of us staying at the church, which we can’t do unless we raise more money. And given my lack of belief that what we’re doing is worth supporting, I’m not sure I’d be happy to ask for more money. I think we could probably raise it. Maybe not. Who knows.

For now, all I can I guarantee is our outreach BBQ is going to rock, and yes, there will be ketchup. Plenty of ketchup.

Day 162, 03/27, A Saturday

Well, yes, it did rock. Things, surprisingly, came together nicely and I think all the kids enjoyed themselves more than maybe they’re used to. I enjoyed myself. Hung out with the people. We totally nixed the testimonies though. When the time came to pull the trigger, it just didn’t seem right at all. It was a beautiful time. The woman from the train, our student, was there.

I saw Lost in Translation tonight and it was perfectly beautiful. I loved it. Although, this: I bought the freaking full-screen edition, which I was so frustrated about and was trying to get over. I’ll get the widescreen when I get back to the States. It was beautiful, though. I fell in love with Scarlett what’s-her-name. She is beautiful. At some point I heard the sound of a police car and couldn’t tell if it was coming from outside the apartment house or from the movie.

I’m tired and I need to write my Japanese prayer for tomorrow and then get some sleep. I’ve lost my vocabulary to talk about religion. I feel stupid. I feel stupid talking about it in the way I used to. I can’t. Where have my words gone.

Day 164, 03/29, A Monday

Consider Day 163, Sunday, skipped. Yeah, that’s right. For the first time, I did not write. Why? Well, I had returned home from a seven-hour stay at the Gilbert’s which was supposed to have only lasted three hours. I had a headache and I had to take a dump. All these things converged and I didn’t write. And I’m okay with that.

I am.

My Japanese prayer went… well, it went. I did better at some times then others. But it wasn’t a disaster by any stretch of the imagination. I was proud of myself. Many people said that it went well. Sensei shook my hand. All those things were good. I am proud of myself. As proud of myself as I think I should be.

Today then was okay, for the most part. Had both of our classes. DK bought me dinner, which was really cool. We worked on the prayer letter. I wrote that I was leaving the ministry here. It was bizarre to actually write that. It made me feel good though. I am happy to have made that decision. I am happy that I will be staying in Japan. I need to stay in Japan. No question there at all.

I pray for a wife, and then someone tells me that there’s some person that I should meet and I immediately think that this is the person I’m going to marry. And then nothing happens.

How perfect it is that I-tunes picks that Hum song Litter Dipper, right now. How perfect the smell of Spring is coming in the window.

Day 165, 03/30, A Tuesday

I should write a long entry here: I’m bored and frustrated so I should have a lot to say. But I don’t know if I do. I am tired, yes. I am frustrated, yes, but I don’t know why as tends to be the case when these things happen. Today, I bought a scooter and that would have made me very, very happy except that A) I don’t have a driver’s license, B) I can’t find a helmet that fits, and C) I won’t be able to pick it up until Monday anyway. At the earliest. All these things working together have made me a little sullen. Also, it rained today and instead of going down to Tenjin to check out that Shrine that I wanted to go to, I ended up spending the afternoon with Hagino san.

Maybe this is why I’m frustrated (for real): I told Hagino san about my plans to leave the church for another job and she didn’t seem very happy about it at all. Not happy at all. “Well, if that’s the official decision.” I felt like shit, like I was letting them down. But I can’t keep doing what I don’t believe in. I can’t keep working for a program that I think should be cancelled, you know? Now that I have the Vino, my new scooter, my desire to stay in Fukuoka is probably a little greater. More than a little greater. My life changes if I can get around easily and go places without it taking so much time or money.

I hope Sensei isn’t upset.

DK and I have had kind of an awkward couple of days. He bought me dinner yesterday then gave me one of his hamburgers today. I was cooking out on the veranda and he just stood out there with me, watching everything. Are we going to miss each other when this all ends?

Day 166, 03/31, A Wednesday

I told Sensei and Hagino san that I wasn’t going to work for the church next year. I was not looking forward to it, I thought it was going to be hard, but it turned out to not be nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be. It took like 20 minutes. Hagino san cried. Sensei asked me if I prayed about it. Oh, it sucked. Me and Dan just sat there like it was the Inquisition (Dan’s words there). Oh man.

I spent the day looking for a bike helmet. Found something that I think will work and we should be able to get a license on Monday and then get the bike that day or on Tuesday. Yeah, it will be a while.

I’m hoping that this scooter doesn’t become a symbol of me leaving the church. I think it might. I saw some really beautiful places that I might want to live in October. So that’s pretty cool. Near Ohorikoen and also over by some shrine behind Akasaka.

Day 168, 04/02, A Friday

I skipped another day. What are you going to do about it? Nothing. That’s all that you can do. I’m taking some time off from writing because it’s been boring and I can’t make this happen in a compelling way. I don’t know what that will look like. It feels like breaking up.

Last night we hung out with some British people. It was pretty cool, actually. Saw a shitty band. Drank some, ate some chips. Anyway, the British are pretty cool, best I can tell. I enjoyed hanging out with them. Although the bar we went to wasn’t very hip at all and none of the people there were very hip. Henna gaijin, right? We’re all henna gaijin.

Day 171, 04/05, A Monday

At Tenjin, a man asked DK and me to celebrate Christ’s death with his church. He is a Jehovah’s witness. I say, We celebrate Christ’s resurrection. I don’t know why I said that. Aoki san, the man, nodded, he agreed. So what is it to only celebrate Christ’s death, to not mention the resurrection. For the Protestants who have seen the Passion, this is a sticking point. It is not for the Catholics. I wonder why we are so slow to admit and deal with our saviour having died, having been dead. Let’s quickly put up the overhead slide of the empty tomb. To meditate on the death of Christ is not for us. We do not like death.

I do not like death.

Day 178, 04/13, A Tuesday

What to believe, this is our central task.