Now I live in Japan, Days 154-160

In which the end of the story starts to come into clearer focus and I realise it

These entries were originally written in a private journal, and were edited and published online in autumn 2024. The whole series can be read here: Now I live in Japan

Day 154, 03/19, A Friday

I realized as I was walking on the beach today that I can really use my walking time to study. I do well at learning the words with the rhythm of walking and memorizing and being outside. So that was pretty cool. I need to make up some Kanji cards and get out there and work on it some more. I’m up to 85 Kanji, but this next week I should easily pass 100 and maybe be up to 115. The next couple of lessons are all verbs that I already know. When I know the words, it’s so much easier for me to get a handle on the ji. I really struggled with this last lesson for some reason. But after today, I just took it out to the woodshed. So I think I understand now and have some proficiency with these new 10.

Other than that, class this morning was terrible as only Goto san came. We were so, so very close to no one showing up and then 10 minutes late, Goto san comes. It was a heartbreaker, like when your professor was six minutes late to class and you were sure it would get called off. Tonight’s class also promises to be terrible. We aren’t planning to, as it stands now, spilt the students we have in the class right now, despite the differences in their abilities. We’re just going to give it a go and see if the old ladies can keep up. Well, they won’t be able to. I’m saying that right now.

I need to make some Kanji cards now, so I can study.

Later: I lost it with DK tonight. Got stupid and said some things I shouldn’t have said. I realized as I was bitching to him that I was just frustrated and I did one of the things I hate more than anything and that’s attack someone when they criticize you. I hate people who do that. So I apologized, I was an asshole. We talked about how this mission is struggling. How we think it’s not working in the ways that it should and how little support there is. It’s not anyone’s fault, I think we both realized that the only people in the world that understand where we’re at right now is each other. And we need to start supporting each other.

Day 155, 03/20, A Saturday

I went to Japanese class this morning and it more or less went well. I tried to take my bike but punted as it was raining like a mofo. So I got on the train and got out to Starbucks and Ishi sensei was like 15 minutes late but that was okay as I was able to work on my kanji cards. I realized that I didn’t know the Chinese [音読み] pronunciation of the characters that I know. So I got words for each one that will help me remember their pronunciation. So I did that. And then Ishi sensei showed up and frankly, I’ve been kind of lazy lately about Japanese (one of those down swings) but about half-way through class, the sun shined on me and I understood how to conjugate the verbs as we were talking about it, like a shaft of light from heaven. So I was happy about that. I also asked in Japanese if there was a copy machine in the Fukuoka Building and Fukuoka Building san understood what I said.

Then, because I didn’t take my bike and it wasn’t raining anymore, I was like, Fuck it, I’m walking. So I just started walking. And walked all the way to Meinohama and had lunch and studied the Japanese. And then I was walking back to the house and who should pull up along-side me but the Shiota family. And they’re like, You want a ride? and I’m like, Yeah, man, yeah. This is kind of dumb though because my dumb decision to walk to Tenjin is really just because I’m stupid and I’m embarrassed by it. Anyway, I met Mr. Shiota and we had a good conversation in the car, half Japanese, half English. Their family rules and make me feel this ministry might be worth something.

I’m still feeling whiny about the ministry too. I think things really came to light last night. I don’t feel like this is a program that should continue without some more support from the church, from someone other than Sensei. I don’t know why I’m teaching there. There’s no vision. So. I mean, we’ve gotta keep on trucking and I will keep on trucking, of course, but it’s a little frustrating. I’m looking forward to not having that pressure in the same way.

And also, I’m looking forward to not having any florescent light.

Day 156, 03/21, A Sunday

My computer is so slow. I’m trying to download some video files, well not even download, just import and my computer is like dragging, dragging, dragging. DK and I did some video for our missions presentation and, surprisingly, it turned out not nearly as bad as I thought it might. I think we have a pretty good-looking presentation, though I haven’t seen it yet all the way through. The video I made on I-Film is pretty tight too. I mean, good for my very first project, ever.

Church was okay this morning. Verme sensei preached. He was talking about the fruits of the spirit, sort of. I didn’t really get into his notes which he gives us and then he preaches from them in Japanese. He’s said this is easier to do than trying to write out what you’re going to say in Japanese, just adding the words that you don’t know, or don’t think you’ll remember. Anyway, the notes weren’t quite as clear as last time, in my opinion. I’m going to have to pray in front of church next week and am really not looking forward to that.

Day 157, 03/22, A Monday

Well, today was real slow, again. Called Mom and Pop. Worked a little. That’s all.

I’ve been pretty much surrounded by the uncanny the last couple of days. It started on Thursday when I woke myself up screaming. I haven’t really been able to sleep since then. One of my friends wrote me to tell me they had a dream that I sowed up at their house crying which weirded me out. Mom also was compelled to share the gospel with some people at work noting that if she dies tomorrow, she would know where she is going. All this and I am just readily aware of the spiritual. Just, feeling it big time. It’s weird. I don’t know if I like it or not. It’s like the whole world is right on the edge of breaking out of its shell. It’s like reality, the real reality is so close. And then it’s suddenly gone. I’m not feeling it anymore But at about 7:00 tonight. It was bizarre.

Soon, I hope to get my scooter. That will be a very good day for me.

Why am I terrified of death? Why am I terrified when Mom says she’s scared of her surgery. I don’t know how to deal with any of that.

Day 158, 03/23, A Tuesday

Mom is in surgery right now. I will be staying up, waiting for the call from Pop. I can’t pray. I can’t do anything. I can’t iron. I’m just waiting. I will continue waiting.

There is so much uncanny in my life these days. I wish I could say something intelligent about it.

This thing: Tonight on the train, I saw a girl and thought, She is beautiful in the way that I think the most attractive Japanese women are beautiful, like totally put it together. I stared for a second and then looked away. When I looked again, I realized that she was looking at me too. It was odd, one of those moments. And then she waved and I realized she was one of our new students from Friday night. The train was crowded so I couldn’t walk over. At Susenji, I got off and she was still riding, I turned and waved and she smiled at me and it was just about enough.

So many things wrong with that, I don’t even know where to begin.

I just found and article about me on the Knox webpage talking about my honors project. It was weird.

Pop called. She made it. No death.

Day 159, 03/24, A Wednesday

Yeah, I’m waiting up for Pop again. I talked to Mom this morning and that was okay. She wasn’t in pain but still sort of out of it. None-the-less, it was good to know she was okay and she wasn’t hurting.

Then I spent today riding my bike. I went out to the mall to write my prayer for tonight. It came out okay. I ended up down in Fujisaki and basically decided that I want to live there next year. It’s a great neighborhood. Very hip. We’ll see if I can afford it/ if I stay in Fukuoka. Hopefully, it will work out though.

Saw the ocean.

Oh and I bought the new Radiohead record that’s only a being released in Japan. It’s sweet. It’s so sweet. It’s got a song that is a song Radiohead just doesn’t write anymore. Very old. Just Thom on the guitar and singing. It’s called Gagging Order. I love it. A new favorite.

What else. I need to write Jon, but I don’t think I will. I’m too bored/ boring.

Day 160, 03/25, A Thursday

I made it out to the ocean today, again. Went out past Futumigaura which is one of my favorite places to go. Just hang out. Study. Pray. Those sorts of things. I don’t know if I got anything done, really. My Kanji is not going as planned. I’m up to maybe 120 (109 from the book), but I’m not really sharp on any of them. So I study. And I study. And at the end of the day, I don’t know if that does anything at all.

This post may or may not contain adult content.

Today began at 11:30 and before I let that reflect poorly on me not having anything to do, let me explain: Today actually began early this morning as I was waiting up for a call from my dad. He never called and maybe I got to sleep around three. I might also note that I’m on a short (one day) Spring vacation, so I’m cutting myself some slack

Anyway, I got up and showered sitting down. The real beauty of Japanese life. It usually takes me a while to get going in the morning/ early afternoon and today was no exception. By one, I was just about ready to go on a bike ride when my sister called. She’s in Loredo, TX building houses for poor people. So we talked for about an hour. By two, I was on my bike headed out to the beach, listening to the Com Lag EP by Radiohead on my I-pod and also some Sigor Ros I downloaded. At the beach, I studied Japanese, prayed and read the Bible. I also went walking out on the rocks and was going to take a wiz when I noticed this old guy who was up a little higher than me digging through the garbage on the beach and staring at me. I zipped up and set out again.

When I got home, it was after five and DK and I talked about this outreach picnic that we’re having for our students on Saturday. Long story short, it’s not going to go very well as far as I can tell. Anyway, we also watched Sumo as there’s at tournament right now. Asashoryo won his match today and after that, I made dinner and read some e-mail, wrote some e-mail, paid the bills.

Around eight, I got on the bike again and headed for downtown to hang out at the jazz bar, smoke my pipe, drink some wine, and study some more. Riding the bike at night is kind of dumb, but I did okay except for one time when I slipped and almost fell right on my nuts. I picked myself up and the report from the field came back negative and I kept going. A lot of things happen to me when I’m riding my bike, but I don’t care to recount them all right now. The jazz was good, and the wine was okay. I relaxed and worked on some new Kanji. I now understand about 130, making me just about 45 shy from graduating into the third grade. At eleven, I left the club and rode home. As DK has very aptly said about Japan, “She’s a different animal at night.” Tonight was no exception although I didn’t see any drunk people. I stopped at Mister Donuts, but they were out of Crème Puffs.

That’s about all: I got home at 12:10 and now I’m blogging. I gotta get some sleep because tomorrow we’ve got a dumb staff meeting and lunch together and then we’re all going to CostCo to buy food for our picnic. All that means I’m going to be spending money that I shouldn’t. But that’s okay. That’s okay.

David Baker say: “Who can stir without stirring the dead?”