Now I live in Japan, Days 134-140

In which I am exhorted to consider the ministry of marrying a Japanese woman

These entries were originally written in a private journal, and were edited and published online in autumn 2024. The whole series can be read here: Now I live in Japan

Day 134, 2/28, A Saturday

I’m going to try to write a little more today and not spend all my time talking about worthless things. I promise to be interesting, concise, and funny. If I don’t deliver, then I might as well have something bad happen to myself.

First things last: I just got back from the public bath. That was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. Me and Mr. Verme shot the shit, talked about evangelism again and how to reach out to people here. While we were talking DK had met some guy in the bath who wanted to take private English classes, and have DK go to his house and eat and with him and hang out with his daughter, something I thought we weren’t really supposed to agree to. Kagi san’s class was the exception to the rule, because she was from the church and saw the whole thing as an outreach and agreed to have the bible study. He said he was also thinking about asking Sensei for some extra support for teaching his other private students twice a week, which I can’t imagine going over well either because the money is so limited. Plus, I'd like some extra money too, if that's a possibility. Anyway, I was like, So then I’ll pick up a couple of the extra classes at church? And he’s like, Maybe. We’ll see how that goes, I can't see Sensei being happy with it and not super excited about him thinking we're out here doing something they ask us not to do. We apparently have different ideas about how we should be doing this and I was thinking, yeah, but what about the fucking PROGRAM? Isn’t that why we’re here?

Mom’s sick again. They didn’t call to tell me, but I heard from my sister. Mom had left a message on the recorder, but DK didn’t mention it. Anyway, I’m pretty upset about that. I started crying when I wrote Jon — I mean, there’s nothing I can do, all the fuck over in Japan and I can’t be there for anyone. It’s going to be tough. I’m going to try to call them tonight and get the story, but we’ll see how that goes. I don’t know. I just feel far away tonight: I don’t feel like I have any friends.

Japanese went well today though. Ishi san is really good at teaching. She actually knows what she’s doing. I’ve been saying that I had one of those moments where the light comes down from heaven and just — well things make sense. She gave me a kids’ book (The Three Little Pigs) and I got through the first page of that.

DK also asked me about voting for Howard Dean. I was like, Yeah, I would have. And he’s like, All Dean wanted was power. I can see through him. And then he goes on to talk about how great Capitalism is because Socialism only looks good because of the little good it contains, but it’s mostly evil. And I’m like, sarcastically, Right, that’s a great idea. Well, you know what, I think socialism isn’t that bad and I think the government taking care of the poor is better than no one taking care of the poor. And you know what, when the church starts making the government work with the poor pointless, then I’ll say there’s not a need. But right now it’s not like that. And not everyone on the Left is an orge.

Day 135, 2/29, A Sunday

I’m really tired tonight, for some reason. Oh wait, I know the reason. Japanese baseball. Lots of yelling. Lots of beating of drums. Lots of general mayhem. I did not like it, Sam I am. Not one bit. DK and I were hoping for something a little more laid back, I think. Like when I’d gone to Wrigley Field with Jon right before coming here, sitting up in the stands and drinking beers or whatever. This was the opposite of laid back. This was everything that laid back is not. It was a pre-season game, and everyone still stood through the whole thing, even when they were like four runs down in the bottom of the ninth, two outs, people were still up and chanting and clapping and singing. I am pretty wiped.

Day 136, 3/01, A Monday

So DK and I finally talked after me thinking about it for way too long and stewing about it. Not a really long talk, but good. DK tried to talk to Sensei about all of this tonight, a little bit, but it didn’t seem to go well and I think that maybe he will see why I was like, maybe all this isn’t the best idea. Anyway, regardless, I have a little bit of a weight off worrying about the whole thing and getting caught in the middle. Also, my pipe came today so I got to sit out on the terrace and smoke a bit. I enjoyed it a lot. I gotta learn how to do it better; it took me a while to figure it out. I’m going to have to do it out at the beach one of these nights, wander up and down like some sort of sailor or poet or philosopher or whatever.

Classes went okay today.

Yesterday, just feeling shitty, I went to bed at like 10:30 and then Mom called at 12:00 and I was kind of out of it talking to her. That wasn’t very good. They called again this morning and mom sort of explained why she was having surgery and what she needed to do and stuff. So that was good. It sounds like she’ll be a lot better when it’s done and I hope that’s right. She felt a lot better after her gallbladder got removed, so I hope this does the same thing for her. Anyway, we had an unusually long conversation that that was really nice. Dad’s doing okay too. We talked about the Passion. I guess he thought it was okay too.

So tonight, I’ve got a ton of crap to do, starting with a quiet time, so I’m going to have to wish you goodnight. For now.

Day 137, 3/02, A Tuesday

I’ll spare you the bitching about the situation with DK. Seriously, I thought I was over that. I’m not and it’s been a shitty day as far as that goes. Sensei’s not particularly happy, it turns out. I feel like we’re always in this silent competition with one another, scoring points about different things.

I’m sorry. I prayed about all this and I really felt like I was whining to God. Maybe it's all in my head. I don’t know what to do with it. I’m just really tired of this. I want to get away, but I want to go home even less, so that’s what I gotta do I guess.

Anyway, things went okay tonight. Ishi san’s host father from the States was here: Mike san. Mike san was cool except he told me that I should consider the ministry of marrying a Japanese woman. I was like, I’m really digging this being single thing. And he was like, I understand that, but in a couple of years you know when you’re ready to get married. I didn’t say anything else. It really weirds me out when older Christian men are physical with Japanese Christians. I’ll give Verme Sensei the benefit of the doubt, because he gets it, but everybody else: hands off.

I’m going to smoke my pipe tomorrow and give the finger to the world.

Day 138, 3/03, A Wednesday

I watched “Magnolia” tonight, by myself and began to realize how much I enjoy movies that are about things falling apart. This happens in “Magnolia,” “Requiem for a Dream,” and “Trainspotting.” Also, I enjoy movies in which things intersect: separate stories come together. Like “Ten Conversations about One Thing.” Magnolia is like that. Though when it was finished early on Thursday morning, I didn’t feel better, necessarily. It’s been a bad couple of days.

At one point in the movie, you can just barely see in the background someone holding a sign that reads: Exodus 8:2. “If you refuse to let them go, I will plague your whole country with frogs.” I read this right when it came on the screen, and remembering the ending of the film, it was stunning. What is it that holds the characters in Magnolia? What are they enslaved to? Are they all enslaved to the same thing.

Also, I smoked my pipe today, but need to make a rule of no smoking when I’m sick.

Day 139, 3/04. A Thursday

The Kanji for “moku” in “A Thursday” is Tree. 木

I heard from my mother this morning that Mike Struck had died. I already knew that, but I don’t think I’ve mentioned it here yet. Mike was a bass player who played with Lisa, our youth pastor’s wife, in her band. He was the real deal, had been an alcoholic, had a really hard living life and got saved, like really saved, and went on a youth mission trip to St. Paul, Minnesota with us. He was the sort of guy that came to church, but might smoke a cigarette or swear or something. Like I said, really saved.

Apparently, Mike died in California suddenly and when he died someone immediately read his journal. This terrified me because I have been so honest in this journal and would be so horrified if me at my worst was made known to everyone suddenly, upon my death. Stephen here just calling my mission partner a dumbass. Stephen saying he was behaving like a woman, saying he got a boner looking at a woman on the train. Just embarrassing thing after embarrassing thing. So, to you who read this when I have died: I have kept nothing back in this journal and all that really amounts to is that the worst parts of me come out here. I don’t hold them back and maybe that’s unwise, but it’s what I’m doing here. Whatever I have written or will write about any given person isn’t really what I think about them. I’ve written when I am angry, I’ve written when I am happy. None of this is meant to make you think that what I have written is an accurate account of what I believe. It’s just my gut-reaction to my life.

That’s all. I thought I needed to say that.

Did I think I was going to die tonight, on the road, on my bike? Yes and no. I don’t trust my feelings about when I am going to die or when I’m not going to die. I get the feeling, nothing happens. Which makes me want to add: I need to do something about my thought life. I get going off on DK in it and I’m just like… I’m out of control. I’m obsessive with my thoughts, I have always been that way. I pick something and I just kill it with my own thoughts. I need to work on not doing that so much. I need to get healthier.

How was Japanese tonight? Uh, it was okay. We went to dinner. We studied a little bit. I tried hard to learn. I am always trying hard to learn. But tonight was definitely one of those times where I don’t feel like I have things together. Instead, I felt like I sucked. I’m in a perpetual state of feeling like I should be doing something. I don’t want that anymore. I want to rest. I don’t know when I will rest.

Day 140, 3/05, A Friday

Today is Friday and Friday came very quickly this week. To admit: I am not writing my journals all at the same time because I am having trouble writing at night. I lose my drive. So this is (maybe) a little bit of writing from the day and night. None of that really matters, as I will try to make the seams, uh, seamless.

DK and I trucked out to Maebaru today so I could find a dictionary. I found a dictionary, but still, I am very poor. Instead, we dicked around in Maebaru, checked out the Eki and stuff. That was cool. We found 650ml drinks for 100 yen, then we bought some bread and sat out on this bench and ate and drank and were generally pretty happy. The weather isn’t particularly good, but it’s okay. Just a little cold. I’m looking for Japanese t-shirts, but I can’t find what I want. I want something that says something ridiculous in English. I can’t find what I want.

I went to a couple of used bookstores looking for a dictionary, but I only found one for kids and it wasn’t really what I wanted. But they were much cheaper. I’m going to keep looking though. A dictionary would really help me. Anyway, at the used bookstore, there was a whole row of the porn. I stayed the heck away, but there was the porn.

Tonight was okay, for the most part. It rained like a mofo. I got so wet. Other than that, it was okay. The kids class with the Shiota kids was pretty cool. They seem interested enough. I hope they keep it up.

I have Japanese tomorrow. I’ve been working on the Three Little Pigs but it is still struggling. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll try to find Canal City.