Now I live in Japan, Days 107-113

In which I have an awkward interaction with my Japanese teacher, trying to understand why people are doing things for me for free

These entries were originally written in a private journal, and were edited and published online in autumn 2024. The whole series can be read here: Now I live in Japan

Day 107, 2/02, A Sunday

After church, I hoofed it to Tenjin to have my Japanese lesson and got there early so I could get an F subway card for Hanaka sensei so that she can not have to pay for her transportation to our class anymore. I bought one of those and ran it over to Starbucks. I should note that I looked like shit: I didn’t shower, I was wearing my hoodie and my chucks. So Hanaka sensei shows up and says, I’m sick. And I’m like, Oh crap, sorry. ::thinks of Japanese response:: Do you want to cancel today?

Oh no, she says. There’s a pause. You don’t look well, are you sick?

And I’m like, No, no, I’m just being an American today, I just ::pause:: well, I ::pause:: well frankly I didn’t take a shower today. ::another pause:: I’m sure you didn’t want to hear that. :: niceties, long pause:: I got you this F-card so you don’t have to pay for your transportation.

::Looks at card awkwardly:: Oh, oh, thank-you. Um, are you… oh, okay.

Then we have our lesson which is okay and she quizzes me about some important things for speaking Japanese like dates, as in the day in the month, not the romantic ones. So that was really fun. We talked back and for a little bit, but mostly about dates so it wasn’t that impressive. That was fun. Then I had to leave and she goes to pick up the F-card and says, So you want me to use this?

And I’m like, It’ll work for you, right?

Then there was a five-minute discussion about how basically, no it won’t really and I screwed up and am going to have to just get her another card because I’m a moron. Yeah, so now I have a F-card that I don’t want and won’t use it because it’s a pain in the ass to use. Anyway, I’m angry at myself for yet again not understanding what it was that I was supposed to do.

Me and DK have been working together nicely for the last couple of weeks. I could also just go on-and-on about how much I like Japan right now. If I had to make a decision about trying to get into the JET programme or something like that next year, it would be yes, yes and yes. No question.

Day 108, 2/03, A Tuesday

Damn, I can't believe it's Day 108 already. This is just flying by now, like the first two months felt like a year and now each week is a day. Maybe it's because of days like today where we just teach the whole time. I enjoy having a full day instead of having to spend time filling time.

Tonight at Kagi san’s we had a new student, a woman who was a lot more out-going about her life than Kagi san’s other friends. This friend talked about how she liked to drink a lot and “maybe get drinking-uh, drunk?” She also said she wanted to have a baby, but no husband. “Single mother.” Also, as we were eating strawberries, Ishizuka san says, “These are really sweet” and I’m like, “Yeah, they are” and the new student (Kimika san) says, “Like your face.”

The bible study went smashingly, but Aoi san wasn't there.

It’s been a long day. Tomorrow, I’m planning to go buy a hairbrush because I look like a moron without combing my hair and I don't think I'm going to shave it all off again.

Day 109, 2/04, A Wednesday

This being our day without teaching, I got up at 1:30 and went to Hyper Center to get a comb and when I got outside, the wind had blown my bike over and knocked the chain off. So I put it back together and when I tried to ride it, it wasn’t working. So I was pissed and it was starting to snow so I decided to walk. Well, I walked from Hyper Center to La Mer and finally decided to take another look at the chain and realized that I’d put it together wrong. Anyway, after that, I took a ton of pictures and put them up on my blog.

Bible study was good. I talked a little bit in Japanese and followed along in the Japanese Bible. I did okay, but they all read so dang fast. It’s hard to follow. DK showed up about an hour late, but I didn’t say anything. He’s weird that way.

I’m thinking about maybe writing Mark Bowman and asking about other jobs with the EFCJ [Evangelical Free Church of Japan]. I’m wanting to stay more and more, but I really would like to do something outside of the church, I think, I just don’t want to have to go home and reapply for the JET programme, which I guess you have to do because you can’t apply from inside the country. Oh, being torn. If I go home for nine months, what am I going to do.

Day 110, 2/05, A Thursday

Well, I’m tired as it’s been a… well, it’s not been a long day, but it’s been a day. I woke up this morning, did the whole Mom’s and Tot’s class thing and then hung out all afternoon. Got a haircut. Taught. When to Tenjin to buy textbooks then Meinohama to eat pizza. I feel like I’ve been writing all day, e-mails and stuff. Now, I don’t want to write anymore.

My haircut looks dumb — I’m not very good at explaining what I want and end up just saying, hai, hai, and awkwardly bowing a lot. I'm not sure they're used to cutting hair like mine either. It must be bizarre to have a foreigner show up and they have to deal with me and my thick, ridiculous hair.

Day 111, 2/06, A Friday

Ishizuka san e-mailed me some questions about prayer and I’ve been working on an e-mail to her. I also wrote a rather long e-mail to another friend about being a “minority.” I haven’t really written that much about it, but I’m working really hard on learning Japanese lately. I’m trying to really get a grasp of it. This may be all a part of me really feeling like I want to stay here longer, buy I don’t think I want to keep doing what I’m doing. I want to be a little more independent and maybe not in such a missionary capacity. Not that I don’t like missions, because I do, I’m just really confused as to how all of this needs to be working together in my life. Maybe I should get certified to teach English as a second language. That would maybe help my application for jobs.

Tonight DK and I just walked around for a while. We ended up at a shrine. That was pretty cool, as far as I was concerned. I like hanging out at shrines. Like I told DK, it makes me feel like maybe I actually could be a missionary, marvelling at the emptiness of the Japanese religion, talking about how dark everything is here.

Day 112, 2/07, A Saturday

We ended up at the public bath tonight with the Vermes. A wonderful time was had by all and I’m just incredibly relaxed right now. I feel great after going to the ofuro. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me and now, I can rest.

I also walked and walked and walked alone along the beach.

Verme sensei and I talked a little bit about why missions had largely failed in Japan. That was really enlightening. It sounds a little bit like what I expected. The Japanese church isn’t pulling its weight, it’s giving into pressures, those sorts of things. It was helpful. I’m still leaning toward getting out of the mission in the future and being here apart from it. But, by and large, I’m pretty sedated.

Day 113, 2/08, A Sunday

I’ve been writing so little these last couple of days. Nothing, really, has been on my mind. I’ve been kind of content to just lay here and grow old for a little while. Not that anything is really going wrong, because nothing really is going wrong. I’m very content, very happy to be in Japan, learning Japanese and all that, but it’s just been slow and imperfect. I need to remember it’s only been, what, four months? I’m trying to just not spend all of my time thinking about what I’m going to do next. But it’s hard with the end of the contract here looming in a way. It’s about seven and half, seven and three-quarters months until I go home and I’m trying to understand what it is that I need to accomplish between now and then and what it is that I want to do with my life, in sort of bigger, broader ways. Thinking about missions is great, except for the reality that I actually would have to become a missionary. Right now, I don’t see that happening. I’m just not very good at it.

Hagino san really helped clear some things up with my dilemma of paying Hanaka sensei for my Japanese lessons. Then I e-mailed Hanaka sensei asking if I could move my lesson tomorrow to 12 and she said how about moving it to Thursday and I was like, no, no that’s worse. So nothing’s straightened out. I’m worse off than before. I’m not really happy about this situation: I get less happy about it every day. I just want to learn the language, but I have no money to do it. Real lessons would be like twenty per cent of my take-home pay, maybe more. That’s why I need to either really be doing the missionary thing or either really be doing the English teacher thing. Because this middle ground sucks ass. I have no money, no support, and no real missionary team, just people who are helping us out when they have the time. I need at least one of those things.

But other than that, today was quiet. DK cleaned and I slept. I sleep a lot these days. I studied the Bible for a while. Did some Japanese studying (will do more tonight). Church was good except that I fell asleep again. I need to do something about that. Right now, I just keep falling asleep. It’s not getting more sleep on Saturday night because I’m getting like 8 hours now. What to do about that, I don’t know. Things just feel static. I need to snap out of it, I’m in Japan: The actual Land of the Rising Sun. There’s no end to the possibilities. I should just go out and see the country.

Ishizuka san sent me another e-mail. Saying that she was happy about my e-mail explaining some things from the bible lesson, thank you, but she had more questions, could I please answer. Anyway, I gotta do that sometime. Maybe not right now, though. Crap, I have to go to Tejin anyway tomorrow to get the textbook for Tuesday’s class. I hate my life.